My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
