My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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