I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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