Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can't motorboat a personality
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
