There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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