i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize