Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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