Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
