Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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