My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
