I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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