i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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