guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
