I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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