she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
