Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
