btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
