Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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