When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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