No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
