if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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