I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
