Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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