we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
