then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
