I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
