you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
