His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
