The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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