He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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