He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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