dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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