now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
