i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
