I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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