it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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