im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
