omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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