What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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