pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize