Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
