I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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