Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
