I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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