Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
