Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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