you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
