I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize