I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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