I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
