did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize