____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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