Need sex. Gaining weight.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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