He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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