my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
