Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
