All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
