Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize