I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would ride that face into the sunset
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
