so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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