dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
