hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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