I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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